Over a year ago, I lost my grandmother.
She was a brave and strong woman. Family always came first for her and everything else comes after. She had spent 11 years of her life taking care of me while my parents were at work. Needless to say, we had this special bond ...
One day out of the blue, I got a call from my Dad telling me that my grandmother is ill. Ash, hubby and I visited her and she seemed fine. But later on, I found out that she had cancer. She had colon cancer that had spread to her liver and lungs. The diagnosis was not good.
The kids had a family meeting in which my grandmother had told them to just let her go. She did not want to prolong the pain and did not want the painful chemo... she was over 80 years old.
I was bracing myself for her passing. I thought that I was ready and I convinced myself that she made the right choice. Why prolong the pain?
It all went quickly .... towards the end, she was very feeble and weak. We visited and told her that we are expecting a second baby and we are three months along. She was happy but didn't want me to touch her. "I'm bad luck, don't give it to baby." She said to me. I nearly cried and so desperately wanted to hug her and tell her "No, that is just superstition!"
However, all these adult talk meant nothing to Ash, who was almost 3 at the time. Before we left, she went up to her great grandmother and gave her a hug. I saw my grandmother tried really hard and gave her a gentle smile. "Ai-Ya..." she mumbled weakly.
Later that week, she passed. It was during that time that we found out that she had known that something was wrong 3 years prior. But that was the same time my grandfather had fell ill, so she kept it to herself. She kept her secret until her body finally gave up. She told my aunt that she didn't want to burden the kids because she saw what the kids went through caring for my grandfather. Whom is still alive and healthy today with a touch of Alzheimer's.
Up till that time, I held strong, didn't want to cry. "She wouldn't want to see me cry." I told myself. But at her service/viewing, they brought my grandfather from the nursing home. He looked at her and said loudly, "Wake up, dear!"
From that point on, I broke down.
Hopefully finally writing about it will give me the much needed closure. I miss her dearly but I know that at least she is somewhere where there is no pain.
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5 comments:
This post brought back so many memories as it brought tears to my eyes. We lost my grandfather nearly two years ago (and two weeks before mine and Nicks wedding) He was 83 and when they found the cancer it was to late. He was the bravest man I ever knew...a Marine to the end. He loved his four children and twelve grandchildren so fiercly...When he died we were all there with him. There could not have been more love in the room...or more sorrow for our loss. 83 doesn't seem old enough...
It is always hard I think when we lose someone we love. I think part of the real closure comes in giving ones self permission to grieve. Looks like you're moving in the right direction.
and ps thanks for taking that stupid word verification thing off.
It is so hard to say goodbye. I lost my grandmother about a year ago, too. I still miss her and sometimes wish I had been able to spend more time with her.
I lost my grandma about 13 years ago. I still miss her a lot. She was a real character, so much spunk, but at the end she was a shadow of her former self.
I'm sad for you on this anniversary.
Do we ever really have closure when we lose someone we are very close with? I think the grief gets better with time (maybe not better, maybe easier?). But if that person had a huge role in our lives, I don't think we are ever the same when they are gone.
My aunt died with I was 12. She was my favorite aunt and she was only 30. It changed me. But not in a bad way. I think anytime grief or loss touches us, we can grow from it.
I hope you continue to grow.
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