guilt sucks

i've been sleepless for a few weeks now. even though hubby try to let me sleep and taking the late night shift (which i totally appreciate) .... but i still wake up like clockwork at about 330 to 4 every day.

 

as much as i try to pass off that everything is fine, i just feel so guilty that i'm going to send our teeny tiny baby to the germ infested daycare. no matter how much i tell myself that it's good for her and that it is unavoidable, this emense guilt overwhelms me everyday and it gets worse and the 'impending doom day' gets closer.

 

what would happen if she just keeps getting sick at daycare while i'm working? are we going to be able to handle that? with her cranky and sleepless all the time and us sleepless and working? who's going to care for her if she needs to stay home from day care because she is sick? what happens if i can't pick up another contract work quick after this current one ends? we will be having two kids in day care and one in preschool also? are we going to be able to afford that?

 

of course, i know i can push off my current contract work for awhile, but what am i suppose to tell the day care without pissing them off and would i be able to pick up another contract after i'm ready? and even if i do the unthinkable and become a stay-at-home mom, we simply can't afford that and ash would hate it at home all the time without her friends at daycare.

 

i try to keep my distance with court and it's not that i love her less but i'm trying to be less attached to her because i know her going to day care is inevitable. but somehow this 'guilt' still hits me like a truck. i really tried to 'share' her with anyone that is willing to care for her, i really tried to keep things between her and me purely 'caregiver to baby', but somehow this maternal instinct crap still kicks in, and now rendering me sleepless at 4 in the morning typing away and listening to her coughing in the crib. (it feels like she's been continuously sick since she been home from the hospital. yet, another inevitable since big sis goes to school and daycare.)

 

i dunno, i just feel so lost.